Recently all I can think of is that I’m not enough. I know these aren’t good thoughts and I know they are not of God so of course I pray about it. Now I’m not looking for sympathy or even encouraging comments. Deep down I know with all that is within me that what God creates is good and perfect in His sight but sometimes the world successfully tells you otherwise and causes you to doubt.
As my relationship with Christ grew, I’ve lost many relationships along the way. This doesn’t hurt me as much as much as one may think. Those friends I had in school wanted another type of life, one that was not fitting for a princess in the King’s Kingdom. What hurt most is the change in my family. As my life changed, there were things I could no longer do, say, think… and this to them was me being too righteous. I suppose those boundaries can be crossed and were crossed by me as I was learning how to be. All this was so new to me. I’ve always been the people pleaser. I lived to just make my family and teachers proud, but suddenly I was so different and this didn’t make them proud anymore. It’s since then that I feel myself fighting for ways to just fit in and be accepted though not to the point of giving up this new love. And then those feelings of inadequacy creep in, whispering to me “you’re not enough for them”, “look how happy they are without you”, “see how the mood changes when you are there”. And I know, I know, I know this is all just in my head. But sometimes those voices sound like they know what they’re talking about.
For the longest time I just ignored those voices until recently. I met a guy. The guy I’m very confident I’ll spend my life with. The guy I know God sent into my life to love me and to teach me what on my own I could not learn. And the voices I know could no longer ignore. They began to scream at me: “he knows who he is, do you know who you are”, “he can build you up, is there anything you can do for him”, “he has a ministry, you don’t even know what God has called you to do”, “that girl who likes him can sing and he could play the music to which she can sing, all you are going to do is stand there”… and again I know the truth but when Satan mixes the truth with all his lies it really seems so much more real. I know I am loved and I don’t believe I have a low self-esteem BUT I’m in a place right now that is causing me to be unsure of what’s good about me as opposed to others. Please tell me that everyone goes through this in their relationships?
I have a feeling of blue and blue right now is this. I have no remedy right now for anyone feeling what I’m feeling; I guess we’ll just go through it together. But I do know that the more time I spend with Christ the less I feel inadequate and the more I begin to know who I am. Not who I am because everyone likes that me but who I am as in who God has created. It’s a long journey of which I’ve only just begun… again!
S-E-T-A-P-A-R-T 